Hi! I’m Clarissa Herman
I help queer people feel secure in their relationships
Because let’s face it, most of us didn’t leave childhood with a secure attachment style or a regulated nervous system. I have 15 years of experience and two degrees in the fields of Psychology, Sociology, & Sexuality; I’m a sex educator and a full-spectrum doula; I’m a partner and a parent; I’m a dancer and an avid reader. But more than anything else, I’m here for you. I deeply believe that people can learn to overcome the triggers and stress responses that get in the way of intimacy and trust in their relationships. You can change the way you show up in relationships and I can help you get there.
MY STORYThe Breaking Point
In 2017, I met the person I wanted to build my life with. But just a couple of months into dating, I started having huge trigger episodes caused by the most insignificant things. Once, he took the coffee cup I wanted and I went into a full-blown dissociative spiral and literally couldn’t say why.
The Reckoning
I continued having trauma episodes multiple times a month, often caused by something unexpected or confusing. My partner didn’t know how to help me, I didn’t know how to make them stop, and we started to worry that we couldn’t make our relationship work.
The Work
We didn’t want to break up but I knew we couldn’t go on like this so I dove headfirst into healing. I got a therapist (and then 3 months later a better therapist). I started reading everything I could about healthy relationships, trauma, attachment theory, and stress responses. We started monthly deep-dive conversations about our relationship.
The Breakthrough
After 4 years of slow, painful healing, I turned a corner with nervous system regulation practice. We had a fight and instead of curling up into a dissociated ball, I stood up and left the room to take a break. When I came back, I calmly & clearly explained what I was feeling and what I needed. I had never pulled myself out of a trauma spiral like that before. It changed everything.
The Present
Trigger episodes are rare for me now. My partner & I recently had a baby which has thrown a whole lot of conflict our way but not once have we yelled, criticized, or threatened to leave. We have a secure attachment that allows me to be in conflict without fear and it’s changed the way I show up in all of my relationships. I am bolder, more confident, and more vulnerable than ever before and as a result, I’ve also healed relationships with siblings and friends.
I have been where you are now.
Dissociated. Triggered. Lonely. Overwhelmed. Anxious.
I knew something had to change but
I didn’t know where to start.
The Whole Story
You can feel at home in your relationships
You can feel at home in your relationships
Here’s what you should know about working with me…
01
02
03
I’m a real person
I will tell you the truth, give you my opinion, & share my stories. I will laugh with you, hold space for you, and apologize when I mess up.
I will be kind but not coddling and always fair.
I am rooting for you
By working with me, you are showing that you’re committed to growth and I deeply believe that you are capable of healing. Even if old patterns resurface, I am rooting for you.
Your whole self is invited
Everything about you is welcome here: your queerness, neurodivergent brain, trauma stories, big feelings, stress responses, & dysfunctional habits—there’s enough space.
Feel Beloved
LET'S GET STARTED
LET'S GET STARTED
The strategies you suggested were perfect and unique to our situation. You create a very safe place to talk and your knowledge is practical and actionable. You have this perfect blend of professionalism and familiarity enabling us to talk to you as a friend.
-Nico & Helen