The Difference Between Shame & Guilt

When you put your foot in your mouth.

When you're accidentally mean.

When your fib gets found out.

When your carelessness is hurtful.

How do you feel?

Do you get defensive? Do you lash out and try to spin it so it's their fault? Do you feel angry at being called out and wish your partner hadn't brought it up?

Or do you have a hard time getting your words out? Do you feel like hiding? Do you want to shrink into the couch, letting it swallow you?

Or do you apologize profusely, often in tears? Do you like a terrible person who doesn't deserve forgiveness, much less your relationship?

Or do you just want to escape? Get out of the room, out of the house, maybe even out of the relationship?

If you have one of these responses when you make a mistake in your relationship, what you're feeling is shame. 

(Specifically, what you're feeling is triggered, but triggers are almost always accompanied by shame and that's the focus of this email.)

Shame is not a helpful reaction. There is no amount of shame you can feel that will make your partner forgive you or ensure you don't mess up again.

Because shame shuts us down.

Shame immobilizes us. 

Shame traps us in our trauma so that we can't do anything. 

What I want you to feel is guilt.

The key difference between guilt and shame is one of identity.

If shame is "I am a bad person", guilt is "I have done a bad thing."

Rather than collapsing your entire identity into a mistake you've made, you can recognize that there is a difference between your behavior and your person.

You can do a bad thing without being a bad person. You can make a mistake without it meaning anything about who you are.

You have inherent value as a human being, even when you make a mistake.

Guilt is motivating. Shame is paralyzing.

When you make a mistake, I hope you feel guilty.

I want you to recognize that you acted out of alignment with your values, you hurt a person you care about, and you don't want to do it again.

This is guilt and guilt is what will keep you from repeating your mistake. It's what will motivate you to learn a new way and grow into a new pattern.

It's hard to stay out of shame. Shame has always been there: most of us learned to be ashamed as children when it was used very effectively to control our behavior by our parents, teachers, healthcare providers, religious leaders, etc.

Changing a shame response to a guilt response is slow and intentional but you can get started right away.

Next time you feel a shame response, I want you to think to yourself:

"I am not my actions."

"I'm still worthy of love, even though I made a mistake."

"I can do better next time." 

Over time, with repetition, you can create new pathways in your brain so that when you mess up, you feel badly but you're not helpless. You want to make amends and avoid making the mistake again but you don't collapse into anger, depression, or fear.

You feel guilty, but not ashamed.

If you are often overwhelmed by shame, especially during conflict, and you want to learn how to fight without fear, book a sales call for 1:1 coaching. Together, we'll create a map for you to move away from shame and toward guilt. We'll help you create connection through conflict so that you actually feel closer after you mess up than you did before