Why Your Apologies Aren’t Working

"When I say I'm sorry, my partner doesn't feel better, they still feel angry and hurt."

 

Sound familiar?

 

You and your partner have a fight, you say or do something hurtful, you take some time to cool off, and then you apologize.

 

But it doesn't work. You truly mean it when you say you're sorry but your partner still feels hurt, they're still avoiding you, you're not easy with each other, and there's still tension between you.

 

So what's the issue?

 

You're making the apology about you.

 

Not on purpose! If you're on this email list, I know that you care deeply about the health of your relationship and that you're willing to put in the work to improve it.

 

But if you are so anxious to be forgiven that you don't spend enough time being genuine on all the elements of an effective apology, it's not going to work. (Oh hello, anxious attachment, didn't see you there.)

 

Your partner needs to feel deeply seen and understood. Not rushed or pressured into moving on.

 

They need to know that you understand how you hurt them, that you deeply regret it, and that you're not going to do it again.

 

Your partner needs to hear you describe how you hurt them in a way that feels validating and they need to hear your specific plan for how you're going to avoid repeating it.

 

That's how you bring back the safety in your relationship and rebuild trust. That's how you soothe their hurt so they can move on from a place of sincere forgiveness.

 

The basic ingredients of an effective apology are this:

1. Describe what happened and take responsibility. Name the mistake.

2. Be frank and humble about how you hurt your partner. Acknowledge the harm.

3. Express regret.

4. Make a plan for going forward, what you can do differently next time you

5. Verbally commit to the plan


So maybe you still don't know what you're missing. You feel like you do all of these steps and your apologies still don't land. To humble myself before you with an illuminating example, here's an extremely recent and imperfect apology that happened in my relationship, see if you can find the problem.

 

"I'm sorry I sounded so accusatory this morning when I chided you for sleeping in. I see that you're really tired. Sometimes I feel envious that most mornings you get to drink coffee and eat breakfast right away instead of doing the morning routine with J."

 

See how I made the apology about me even though I was also sincere and kind? Yeah. This apology got me a withering stare so I had to try again.

 

"I do see that you're really tired and your body is sleeping deeply in the mornings, making it hard to wake up. I want you to get enough sleep, I know you enjoy parenting more when you're rested. You didn't deserve to be accused first thing in the morning, that's not a nice way to wake up, and I'm sorry I did that. Next time, I'll be more gentle or I'll just wait longer to bring up my feelings."

 

I needed to go deeper into validating his experience, describing how I messed up, and offering a plan for change. I didn't do that the first time, I made it about me.

 

The second time was better. I got kind eyes and "Thanks for saying that. Your feelings make sense to me and I understand where you're coming from.” When I validated him more thoroughly and hit every step of an effective apology, he felt seen and was then able to empathize with me.


Now because equity is one of our relationship values, later tonight, I’m also going to bring up him taking a couple mornings a week so that I can have coffee first.

 

But that doesn’t need to be part of my apology. That was my anxious attachment showing up, wanting to be understood, even though I was the one who messed up. In the meantime, we’re sweet on each other again and that’s very nice.


If you want to learn how to create connection through conflict, join my private coaching program. Over 12 weeks, you’ll learn how to apologize so effectively that after you fight, you actually feel closer and more in love than you did before. 
Book a sales call by clicking the button below to get started.

Clarissa Herman

Sex educator for ages 11+ and relationship coach for grown-ups. I work one-on-one, in schools, and offer professional development for organizations.

www.clarissaherman.com
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