How to make sure your partner honors your boundary

A polyamorous client came to me wondering how to make sure one of her partners was using barrier methods with their other partners. The two of them had previously agreed to use barriers with new partners, but she was worried that wasn't happening and they had their first trip together coming up.

First, we talked about two of the concepts I teach in my relationship coaching program: forthright communication and relationship leadership. Being transparent and taking initiative with your partner/s will solve most relationship problems and head off potential conflicts before they even get started.

But this was a pretty new relationship, they didn't see each other super often, and they hadn't had time yet to start building those dynamics.

They had their first trip together coming up and my client was worried about exposing herself to STIs if her partner had indeed not honored her boundary. 

Her use of the word "boundary" prompted me to switch directions. 

A boundary is a decision you make to keep yourself safe and the other person does nothing.

If a boundary is contingent on another person's behavior, it's not a boundary, it's either a rule or an agreement.

Over the course of one coaching call before their trip, I helped my client pull her boundary back to be solely about her own behavior. We decided that she could choose to use barriers with this partner on their trip to ensure she could feel protected no matter if her partner had honored their agreement. This shift allowed her to feel excited about seeing her partner again instead of anxious.

Knowing that she had a solution lined up meant she could feel calm instead of anxious, excited instead of resentful, and safe instead of risky. She took action instead of waiting around to see what would happen and so got to enjoy her trip with her partner.

Setting and holding boundaries, being transparent and forthright with your communication, and taking action as a leader in your relationship are all concepts I teach inside Relationship Rebels, the coaching program for rebels, queers, and nonconformists where we build secure attachment skills and base your relationship on equity and compassion. Even if you're not polyamorous, these skills will help you thrive in your monogamous relationship.

Summer is winding down and we're about to spend a lot of time inside with our partners trying to decide between meaningful conversation or watching another episode. Joining Relationship Rebels now will have you choosing intimacy over entertainment by the time the clocks roll back.