Why does it suddenly feel like my relationship is falling apart?

You've been together about a year, maybe a few months longer, and all of a sudden things start going sideways.

Suddenly you're wondering if they're a good fit for you. You start feeling more anxious about getting your needs met. You feel more upset than you used to when they let you down. You start fighting more often and getting triggered way more often.

You really love this person but suddenly it feels like your relationship is falling apart. 

And it came out of nowhere.

So what the fck is happening??

This is the Relationship Reckoning.

This is the period of time in a relationship between 1 and 2 years where everybody starts freaking out and all of sudden you're thinking about breaking up when you had been so sure about staying together before.

What's happening is your insecure attachment style is showing up for the first time.

It might be surprising to hear that insecure attachment behaviors don't show up right away but there's a good reason for that.

It's because you're not attached yet.

In those early months, you're not deeply committed to your partner yet so your insecure attachment is quiet because there isn't anything at stake yet. You're not yet in danger of being abandoned or engulfed.

When you fall in love and start seeing a future with your partner, the stakes suddenly skyrocket and your insecure attachment behaviors kick in to try to keep you safe.

The Relationship Reckoning breaks up a lot of good relationships. It's a difficult period to get through and if you don't know what's going on, it's really going to feel like maybe you're not as compatible as you thought you were.

To get through the Relationship Reckoning, prioritize these two things:

1. Preparation

When you know what's coming, you can be on the lookout for signs of the Reckoning. Keep your eyes and ears open for your insecure, sabotaging behaviors. When you start worrying they're not meeting your needs or you are way more upset by their minor mistakes than you used to be, that's a sign you're in the Reckoning. When you start avoiding their texts or saying you have plans when you don't, that's a sign you're in the Reckoning. When you start thinking you're incompatible when that thought had barely crossed your mind before now, that's a sign you're in the Reckoning.

2. Respond appropriately

Look for these patterns emerging and check yourself. Do something regulating when anxious or avoidant impulses pop up. Take opposite action. Be completely transparent about what's happening and why you’re acting this way.

When you prepare for and respond appropriately to the Relationship Reckoning, you protect your relationship from ending unnecessarily. I have seen fantastic relationships succumb to the Reckoning and it's such a shame. When you know it's coming and how to respond to it, do you know what's waiting for you on the other side??

Secure attachment.

That's right! On the other side of the Relationship Reckoning, if you handle it right, a secure attachment and so much healing is waiting for you.

If you're in the first two years of your relationship and you already know you have insecure attachment, join my 1:1 relationship coaching program Relationship Rebels before the Reckoning destabilizes your connection and puts you on the path to breaking up.

If you haven't noticed any insecure attachment behaviors coming up and you've been together for a while, then it's one of two things: either you already have a secure attachment style (hurray!) or you're not letting yourself get attached. 

I've seen this before–people will hold back from their partner (sometimes unconsciously) to avoid the danger feelings that come with becoming attached. If you hold out for too long, your relationship will likely end anyway because you haven't developed enough of an intimate connection to sustain it. For people who are holding back, inside RR, we build skills in forthright and vulnerable communication with the RADAR conversation method that creates a container for opening up and building intimacy.

The world needs more queer, nonconforming, and highly-sensitive relationships to succeed. We need to see more relationships operating from equity and compassion. We need to see more secure attachment skills modeled in relationships. Making it through the Relationship Reckoning changes not only your life, but the life of everyone who meets you and sees what a healthy, secure, loving relationship looks like.