The Basics of Non-Violent Communication

You're not sure how it happens, but every time you argue with your partner, you end up making the situation worse. Something small will happen, you'll have a disagreement, and all of a sudden, you're in a full-blown fight with hurt feelings and cold shoulders. 

It feels like things get out of control quickly.

What starts as a conversation, quickly becomes a fight. You want to learn how to handle disagreements differently so that you and your partner can move through them without piling on and making it worse. 

If small disagreements seem to get out of hand once you start speaking, you need nonviolent communication strategies to avoid resentment. Resentment is toxic to relationships, and left untended, can lead to an unnecessary breakup.

As long as both you and your partner are engaging in your relationship with good faith and emotional maturity, the best next thing to try is nonviolent communication strategies.

Nonviolent communication (NVC) encourages people to be mindful with their approach during conflict and avoid the unintentional aggression we have culturally modelled for us growing up.

To get started using NVC, try one or more of these four things during your next disagreement:

• Use "I" statements. In every sentence you want to start with "you", replace it with "I' instead

  • Focus on your own experience, feelings, thoughts, needs, and requests

    • "It felt like you were…"

    • "The story I'm telling myself is…"

    • "To me, it seemed like…"

    • "I'd like to ask you to…"

• Avoid using the words "always" and "never"

  • They're just rarely true. If you really do feel like you need to use one of them, at least start it with "It feels like you always…."

• Find something to take responsibility for

  • This demonstrates that you are willing to be accountable and are engaging in the conflict in good faith

• Validate your partner's experience in any small but genuine way that you can

  • "It makes sense to me that you felt that way…"

  • "I understand how you could have interpreted it that way"

When you start to use nonviolent communication strategies and stop coming at your partner like they're a surprise centipede that needs to be eliminated, your fights will be much more productive.

You'll start learning more about how your behavior affects your partner and how you contribute to your dynamics. Your partner will be able to let down their defenses and get curious about how they can do better next time.

Nonviolent communication allows you to be on the same side as your partner, both of you against the problem.

Inside Relationship Rebels, I teach nonviolent communication strategies like these alongside forthright communication and my signature Name Your Narrative framework where we give attention to the fake persona your partner has in your head.

Communication strategies like these add a new level of compassion to your relationship. You'll start using your disagreements to learn about each other instead of attack each other. You'll stop needing to be proven right because the goal of conflict will shift to understanding, rather than winning. 

If you feel like you're already using nonviolent communication strategies and the problem is your partner, I will teach you how to teach your partner about NVC too so you're both on the same page, speaking the same language. 

Relationship Rebels is the relationship coaching program that helps queers, nonconformists, and highly-sensitive people build their first secure attachment in a relationship based on equity and compassion. It’s open for you.