“My partner shuts down when I try to have a hard conversation”

Sometimes it may feel like your partner shuts down and freezes you out whenever you try to talk to them about something important. 

But there's a good chance that's not what's really happening. 

What's more likely happening is that they're taking an involuntary break. People shut down when they are overwhelmed and it's often not a choice–their brain needs a break so it takes it with or without their permission. 

Are you timing your conversations after they've had a long day at work? Or right before bed? Or when they've got a big deadline or family holiday coming up?

You might be setting up your partner to freeze by trying to have hard conversations spontaneously when they don't have the energy for it.

So what can you do instead?

Be intentional about timing hard conversations by scheduling them in advance. This will ensure you both have enough energy to get through the whole conversation. 

This doesn't mean you have to schedule every hard conversation. 

And even if it's not spontaneous, you can still have a rich conversation because you will have had time to sort through your thoughts on the topic and you will both have enough energy for it. You'll come to the conversation calm, organized, and resourced--making it more likely to go well for both of you.

When your partner expresses interest in your priorities at other times, they're showing you that they're not shutting you down on purpose, that they have the energy for the conversation at that time, and that they care about your interests.

They just need you to plan ahead a little bit and not spring hard topics on them when they're under-resourced.