How to Stay in Relationship With Someone Who Now Has More Safety Than You
My partner and I went to church last Sunday to be in community and receive some messages of hope. We did receive messages of hope, solidarity, and resilience but I still felt very sad after church about the likely ramifications of the election for my agender child, my uterus-wearing friends, and my LGBTQ+ friends & students. My partner and I tried to sit together and connect afterwards but quickly realized we were not on the same level.
My partner is a cisgender, heterosexual, white man. He has the same agender child as me and many of our LGBTQ+ friends are mutual but most of the next president's discriminatory policies will not affect him directly.
As we sat there, me brimming with emotion and him with stoicism, the tension thickened and the distance deepened.
Eventually, he realized out loud that this all felt a little familiar.
Between 2016 and 2020, we found ourselves in this situation pretty frequently: I would have an emotional reaction to some policy decision, proposed legislation, federal appointment, headline, or quote I had read and, frankly, he wouldn't. Back then, we couldn't figure out how to bridge the emotional gap between us so we would get tense, uncomfortable, and silent until we either ended up in a fight or distracted ourselves with television.
Now we find ourselves back in the same political climate, but with much better tools.
Now we have a nervous system regulation practice, coregulation strategies, a couple's therapist, and a much deeper understanding of the other's stress response.
So I will share with you what I've learned so you can benefit as well. Condensing 6 years of learning and trial-and-error into a quippy blog post shouldn't be too hard, right?
Right.
So if you are a trans or nonbinary person in relationship with a cis person
A cisgender woman in relationship with a cisgender man
A Black, Brown, Indigenous, or other person-of-color in relationship with a white person
An undocumented or recently-immigrated person in relationship with a long-term, documented citizen or
A disabled person in relationship with a non-disabled person. . .
Here’s what you can do instead of giving in to the distance in your relationship.
Address the Disparity. Acknowledging that your partner will likely have a very different and much safer experience of the next four years is painful. I’m still gonna ask you to do it. The more distance we experience from our loved ones, the more likely we are to develop inaccurate narratives about their experience that further divide us. This leads to resentment, a toxic feeling to have about your partner. So please, talk about it, this week, don’t put it off any longer. Talk about what you’re afraid of, describe how your body feels when you think about it, name your feelings, and locate where the tension exists between the two of you, i.e., in what exact way/s will your partner have more safety than you under the next administration.
Coregulate. Your partner cares about you and your safety. This situation is almost certainly dysregulating for both of you. Coregulation, the supportive practice of helping another person manage their emotions, is an effective way for two people to calm down together. It is most effective when one person is already calm BUT you can still do it if you’re both stressed. I recommend doing one or two of these every day to build a habit that’s easy to draw on in stressful moments.
Some co-regulation exercises you could try together include:
The 20-second heart hug (squeeze your hearts together for at least 20 seconds)
Hug while swaying back and forth AKA slow dancing
Synchronize your breathing while eye gazing (the most hokey but so effective)
Start a dance party, a pushup contest, or a sprint race (completes the stress cycle)
Toss a ball back and forth
Go for a walk, hike, or run
Do a 5-10 minute yoga video
Seek community together and separately. Dwelling on the fact that your partner can't understand how you feel is an easy way to let this disparity put distance between the two of you. Seeking community together will help you feel as though you’re in this together, that the two (or more) of you are on the same side. Set up a game night, start volunteering or protesting together, join a social justice book club, find a church that aligns with your values.
Just as important as connecting with your partner through community is you being in community with others in the same situation as you. Unfortunately, there are limits to what your partner can offer in terms of understanding and empathy when they won’t experience what you will. Lean into your friendships or join a group (queer running group, BIPOC book club, etc.) that will provide that deep level of understanding for you. If you know other people who have a similar relationship dynamic as you, spend more time with them together and apart.
Ask for what you need. There might be certain things you now feel like you need from your partner to shore up your safety in the ways that are available to you. Ask for that. Here are some examples of what you could ask for:
New boundaries with or distance from certain family members or friends
Institutional recognition of your relationship, e.g., getting legally married; completing an advanced will with estate planning; adding your name to the lease, deed, health insurance, or life insurance policy; sharing a bank account; setting up a power of attorney; adopting your partner’s kids; completing a healthcare directive, etc.
Choosing a new, long-term or permanent form of birth control like an IUD, implant, vasectomy, or tubal ligation. Making a plan for what you’ll do in the event of an unplanned pregnancy or pregnancy complications that would require a medically-necessary abortion
Extra care, attention, and reassurance. Let’s be honest, a lot of us need this right now
Lastly, choose connection. It’s easy right now to feel powerless and it might be tempting to blame your partner for this feeling because they’re not facing the same loss of human rights and discrimination you are. Do not choose this route—that way lies disconnection, resentment, pain, and isolation. Choose connection instead. Remember that this is not your partner’s fault—they love you and want you to be safe. Name how you’re feeling, even if it’s that you feel distant or resentful of their safety, and lean into love. Snuggle more, kiss more, go on more dates, watch more standup comedy, squeeze their butt more often, etc., etc., etc. Choose connection. The only way through this is together.
If you and your partner are stuck in the distance, I can help you find connection. With forthright communication, nervous system regulation, and values-based decision-making, we will soothe the fear and loneliness so your relationship can be a source of connection and comfort as you face the next four years.
