What Happens in Your Relationship When You Issue an Ultimatum
"If you don't get a new job, our marriage is over."
"If you don't stop hanging out with them, you'll lose me instead."
"If you don't want to get married by the end of the year, I'm going to find someone who does."
In case you're somehow not familiar with phrases like these, these are ultimatums.
An ultimatum is technically a demand but because it comes with an extreme consequence, it functions as a threat. Ultimatums in relationships are sometimes issued as a last-ditch effort to get your needs met but they can also become a commonly-used tool to manipulate your partner's behavior and achieve your individual goal.
(There are some circumstances where an ultimatum may be appropriate, like with substance use/abuse, gambling, or other harmful behaviors. These are not the situations I'm talking about today.)
Today I'm talking about what happens in your relationship when you issue an ultimatum.
Spoiler: it's not good.
For most people, their primary attachment is their partner. This has to do with our culture's hierarchy of placing romantic relationships above all others which contributes to isolation and loneliness but that's another newsletter. Because an ultimatum functions as a threat, threatening your partner with loss of their primary attachment will trigger their stress response.
This stress response sends them into fight/flight/freeze which hijacks their capacity for higher-level thinking and executive functioning. That means that, while they're in their stress response, they won't be able to consider the thing you're asking them to do, regulate or communicate their emotions, or imagine and negotiate possible solutions.
Sounds counterproductive, doesn’t it?
Issuing an ultimatum will nullify your request and cause damage to your relationship. If you continue relying on ultimatums over time, you can expect long-term damage.
Ultimatums erode trust. Healthy relationships rely on generous benefit of the doubt—the belief that your partner has your best interests at heart and wants to make you happy. When you give your partner an ultimatum, you are saying: “I don’t trust you enough to make this choice unless I threaten you.”
Ultimatums undermine secure attachment. When you issue an ultimatum, you are making the relationship conditional on compliance. You are saying “if you don’t comply with my demands, I will end our relationship”. If a relationship cannot experience rupture followed by repair, secure attachment is impossible.
This is how ultimatums ultimately backfire. You feel like you're at the end of your rope, like you have no other options, so you issue an ultimatum. But doing that backs your partner into a corner and now both of you are coming at each other with defensiveness, aggression, pain, and desperation.
That's not a good recipe for connection.
Here's what you can do instead:
Get ahead of it. Don't wait until you feel like you have no other options, try to recognize unmet needs far enough in advance that you can start talking about it before you feel like you have no other options.
Identify what your specific need is. Asking your partner to make you feel a certain way is too vague for them to take action on. If you want to share the mental load more or feel more appreciated and connected, brainstorm specific ways for your partner to do that and how often. You can also do this part together or with a relationship coach (ahem) or therapist.
Use I statements. Talk about your own experience. Don't start sentences with the word "you". Focus on your own behavior and the choices you have control over.
–Example: "I'm starting to feel like if this doesn't happen, I'm going to feel angry/hurt/desperate/abandoned/etc. I'm worried that if I feel that way for too long, I'm going to start thinking about ending the relationship and I don't want to do that because I love you and want to be with you. I want to talk about how we can find a solution so I don't feel like this and neither do you."
Ask more questions. When you give your partner the benefit of the doubt, you assume they want to make you happy. If they are not doing the thing that feels so important to you, find out why. What obstacles are in their way? Do they need help or some other accommodation? Does the thing you want conflict with their values?
Lastly, regulate yourself before giving an ultimatum. Usually an ultimatum is borne out of our own dysregulation. You feel scared, stressed, and lonely–like your partner is willfully trying to hurt you and that's very dysregulating. When you feel like giving an ultimatum, regulate yourself by going for a walk, shaking your limbs, splashing cold water on your face, or swaying back and forth.
If it's truly a relationship you and your partner want to be in, an ultimatum will only cause more damage. Lead with vulnerability and you'll find your way.
If you are currently stuck in a cycle of ultimatums, hurt feelings, defensiveness, and dysregulation, you need to join me in private coaching. We will untangle exactly what the needs are that are not being met and find a way forward. We’ll develop a nervous system regulation practice to help you feel calm instead of desperate and I will help you build the skills you need to connect with your partner. After 12 weeks together, you will feel calmer and more connected in your relationship and ultimatums will be a thing of the past.
